Sunday, March 15, 2009

Yearning for chrysalis.

I’m incredibly broken. Looking back on my relationship history all I see is a myriad of brokenness. I hesitate to even write because I’m afraid of false confession- of seeking pity, of finding an outlet for my self-loathing, of embarking upon pathetic self-pity. I’m even disgusted at the plausibility that admitting this is just another form of it on a higher level. At some level I’m sure it probably is. At another level I’m also being honest. I have faith the Holy Spirit will help me discern the difference. The Holy Spirit will help me confess. He’ll give me room to mourn without letting it bleed into disingenuous self-pity.

It may be out of cowardice, or it may be out of genuine self-assessment and humility, but I long to be wrapped into a cocoon where I can be shaped into a man who knows how to love and be loved in return. I need the incubation period so I can stop destroying others and abusing myself. My self-development is completely out of my hands- I’ve tried and tried and just don’t have the resources, on my own, to build myself up anew. I know that where I’m going is something that is latent within me as potential, but I’m completely incapable of initiating and guiding the process on my own.

“Become who you are!” Nietzsche implores me. But he gives me no means whereby I can. How can I, as he puts it, pull myself from my own bootstraps and cause myself to be?

And then the Holy Spirit shouts back at me with a delicate voice saying, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”

I long for Your Kingdom. I long for all things to be made anew. I long for the end of violence of strife, of pity and shame. I long to love You as I think I love myself- I long to love others the way You love me. Raise me up anew. Shape me and form into your Image, the Image of your Only Begotten.

“Lord, I believe! But help me in my unbelief!”

Let me hear Wisdom’s voice. Place me beside the way, where the paths meet. Put me by Your doorstep, fix my eyes so I watch for You at the gates. I wish to find You so I can find Life. I wish I will daily be Your delight, so You can rejoice in Your inhabited world.

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